nope. this is not my body.

 Have you ever wondered what it feels like to have breast cancer? And to have a bilateral mastectomy? Well, my friend, you have arrived at the right place. Grab a beer, cuddle up with a blanket and cat, because it's story time, boys and girls. 
     It's kind of like this: You go to the store to get milk, but just as you get in line to check out, a bad guy with a ski mask (not Covid mask) yells, "Get down, this is a holdup!" So, you're on the floor, shaking like a leaf, and scared for your life. The gallon of milk is clutched tightly in your hand as everything goes dark.
      Suddenly, you're in a hospital room in a lot of pain, and your breasts are missing. Also, you can't pee on your own because of the anesthesia and you find it vaguely disturbing that there's a nurse hovering nearby, like an anxious mother hoping her toddler will make in the potty. 
     The following week is a haze of pain, sleep disturbances, and an unfortunate overdose of laxatives. And through it all, there's a Fran Drescher voice in your head, buzzing like a fly, "This would make great content..." 
     Then it's time for the big reveal: the doctor removes the bandage and you turn to the mirror to get a look at your new body, and... You shake your head because, nope, no way, this is NOT your new body. You want a refund, an exchange, you want your old body back, the one you didn't necessarily always like, but was still way better than this hot mess. But then you take a deep breath and remind yourself that the cancer is out and everything else isn't that important. 
     But then you eventually need a shower, and even though you tell yourself not to look in the mirror, you do anyway, and...well, you forget to be grateful. So you cry, and afterwards check the Netgalley reviews even though your editor, agents, husband, parents, and literally every other author you've ever spoken to, says NEVER EVER read the reviews. But of course you do anyway, skimming over the four and five stars, to focus entirely on the two's and three's. Then you call your mom and say, "How can people be so mean? I just had breast cancer." 
     So, yeah, it's like that.